That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
