K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Randomize
