I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
