So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
