I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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