So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
