I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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