Say something about gay babies.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
