DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
