Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I want her autograph on my taint
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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