Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize