My liver just broke up with me...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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