I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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