im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
