hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
