Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
