Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i need some magic done to my vagina
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
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