the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
