Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
