Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
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