I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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