I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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