Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I cut my penus on the lid.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
