i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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