when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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