Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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