The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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