I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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