I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
