you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize