Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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