Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize