Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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