So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
