Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
A bitchslap is in order.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
