you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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