just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
