The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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