So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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