Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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