I saw his package. It spoke to me.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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