There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
