So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize