He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
