I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
