I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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