i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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