I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
where are you?
Hypothermia
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
