grandma shit on top of the toilet
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
