I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
