I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
