never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
