I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
