I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
