y did u give ur computer a hand job?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
