also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
