i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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