The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
